Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I have so many thoughts while I'm busy with my life.... folding laundry, watching tv, washing dishes, cooking dinner... but whenever I come on here to share my thoughts and lessons I totally blank. Not to mention that I start a blog post, and then can't finish. By the time I get back around to finishing, its been months and months.

One of the biggest challenges I've been facing lately is parenting. We just had our sweet Miriam 14 weeks ago. It seems like so much time has passed since her birth... but people remind me every day that she is still so small. Life just feels so out of control for me. Five children are a huge responsibility. Nothings stays picked up, nothing gets done. There is total chaos from 6 AM to 9 PM. Then I shower, and by that time I'm so exhausted I end up going to bed. Lately we've been experiencing a lot of behavior issues. (Lying, violence, disobedience, and mostly just generalized trouble making...) I just had to get up because the 3 middle ones were in the bathroom together. That spells bad news. They had the bottle of lotion opened, pouring water into it. And Stephen just flushed an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. I bought hand soap for them two weeks ago. Its all gone... from pumping it down the drain, I'm sure. Not to mention the shampoo... they saw me use it for bubble bath one day, and the next day Peter said "They were dumping this into their tub..." I'm seriously out of my mind. The Lord must know what he's doing, because I know he doesn't make mistakes, but I fall asleep at night, after total craziness and can't help but whisper "Please don't change your mind... I'll do better with them tomorrow." Even through all of my control issues, and the incredible mountains I feel like I have to hurdle in order to teach them, and keep them safe, and well fed; and the eye burning, body aching exhaustion I work through every day, I love them deeply. But if I go catatonic you know why.

Miriam is precious. She is such a content baby. And she loves to be a part of the big kid noise... She learned how to screech. Its adorable... but she is also a reminder. She reminds me of the baby that I only carried for 9 weeks. She was born almost exactly a year after I miscarried. (In the same month...) I cried after she was born... I was grateful for a healthy baby, and also sad. Its such a... complicated thing, a miscarriage. The grief over something so small... a baby I never felt kick, a baby whose gender I cannot be sure of... But more than the reminder of being sad, I am reminded of God's grace. I honestly think that the Lord carried me and Mimi through this last pregnancy. It was a little bit more complicated than any of the others... one little problem here, and bigger problem there... and yet she was formed completely and perfectly. My labor was more complicated too, but praise Jesus we got through it. And then the recovery was difficult. I'd blame it all on my age... but I'm not old. And I think all of that for the last 9 months has made me a paranoid mama... I am more fearful of an accident (with all of my kids) and more cautious when they get sick. I hope that I can get this under control. Once again... control issues. I need to control my controlling behavior. Come on, April. Get it together.

And after a pretty rough 2 years here in Beautiful Colorado we are ready for a little bit of a break... please be an easy year, 2013! But I can tell you that we were recently faced with the prospect of leaving this state, and I really, really didn't want to go! Maybe all of the trials we (I) struggled through were meant to really, really root me here in this place. Colorado is becoming the place I love. The place I long to see bow to its maker. Sometimes I can hear the mountains cry out to the Sovereign, and I hope that one day the people here will do the same! Its not just the place that brought me here only to leave me desolate and empty... the place that left my soul raging at God, because of the difficulty of simply getting out of bed in the morning... its the place that yes, made me stretch and bend, and very nearly broke me, but also the place that made me stronger and more reliant upon the strength of the Lord. I realized that I am capable of much, much more than I thought I could do. Superhuman, if you would allow me the arrogance to say so.

And... there's always an and, isn't there? Just one more thing... and, and, and... on and on I go. I am humbled. I am here to build the greatest kingdom that will ever be, and I am so broken and used up... I am selfish and never satisfied with what I have. My heart is always restless. Never content. Sinful me was chosen by Eternally Good Him. Jesus, the perfect lamb who died because of what I am called out to me one day, and chose this work especially for me. I could never, ever, ever be worthy of this Great Calling. And he still picked me! Whenever I think of that... (its such a silly reference...) I think of Meredith on Grey's Anatomy, when she begs the cute doctor to "Pick me..." She was so very, very desperate. I don't even need to call out in desperation "Pick me..." Because Jesus picked me before I even knew I wanted it, or needed it! I think that after 2 years I am ready for this. And what a good feeling it is, to know that my best efforts could never really add up to be good enough for Him, but he will take my human-ness and make it something he can use! So, here's to another year of life, hopefulness, and complete and utter reliance on the Author of Life! (Pray for me!) ;0)